Clearing it up

It’s hard sometimes, you know what you want and what needs to be done to get it
the only looming thing about it seems to be the amount of time that seems to be
in front of you. The day to day emotions and energy make me feel worn out so often
that I become so frustrated when I’m tired from working because i want to do so much more.
I wish i would sit down and write but I can’t …
I can’t because I’m so exhausted ..
Spending my time trying to communicate with the people in my life and spending
any time I can with them.
I’m not gonna lie this is the first time I’ve had a full time job for this long. It’s always been part time
and side jobs.  Even then I didn’t last long at places because of my former crippling anxiety that caused me to quit or back out of way too many things in life, Que the
15 job resume. I always enjoyed having my own money because I’ve always had high aspirations
 for myself, I’ve always had goals and ideas of having my own business or making something
of my own to sell ( namely candles or lotions ) to which i had always intended to invest.
Welp turns out I’m not only bearing the curse of anxiety I’m also terrible with money ( especially when my emotions are high )
I make a lot of investment in my appearance becasue I’ve always had a strong personal style, I also do my best
to take care of my skin, hair and nails. Not to say that I spend all my money on looks, more like I go into
some kind of bloodthirsty swiping coma and only come out of it when my bank account starts getting a little
to low for comfort, having dwindled away for things that I can’t even remember . I have lately been doing my best to map out my money and save ( all new to me )
and its not exactly a plan that’s springing into action but it most certainly shows promise!
I’m doing a lot right now in terms of healing myself emotionally and mentally, driving myself into
a new more peaceful, balanced life that I can finally be in control of. It’s been rough, the past couple years,
I finally feel like I’m actually getting somewhere. I suppose that’s why my down days feel so much more heavy
in the moment because I just want to keep going. I’ve been running more often and eating as healthy as my current lack of self discipline
will allow and praying until I fall asleep. I try to enjoy every moment of silence, every sunrise and sunset & more importantly every moment of peace.
I find that I am less anxious and that I have been able to act on the goals I set for myself.
So much has been going on lately ( or so it feels like ) and I am doing my best to remind myself of who the new me is, and that she does not give up!
If I’m going to shake her off, I need to out run her. I may be gasping for breath and needing a second to rest but I am determined to beat her!
I apologize that i keep announcing content that seems to never arrive but I promise you I’m on my way!
As always Keep your peace,
Melissa B.

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